i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
