if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
