Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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