How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
