I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
