I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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