I think I won the penis lottery.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize