who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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