this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
