my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
