party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
