You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
