I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
