I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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