I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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