O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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