Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
