I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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