hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
did i just pee glitter
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize