you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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