so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
