So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize