omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
