seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
