It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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