I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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