so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
