So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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