just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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