Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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