Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When are your genitals available?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
