had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize