my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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