i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
