I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
