I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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