i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize