Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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