Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
vagina is talking i cant
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
