my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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