she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
