I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
