she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
