do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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