What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
