seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
