i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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