So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
