someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
