I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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