I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize