What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
