if i can run in heels then i can drive
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
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