I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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