yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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