The maid of honor just puked.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
