you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We need to rekindle our bromance
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
