there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
