I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
