Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
