he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
