No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
