Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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