Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i drank out of a bidet.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
