If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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