i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
