You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
