end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
