im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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