I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
