sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
